Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
he's gonorrhea incarnate
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
