She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
