your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
