I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
