I cut my penus on the lid.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize