is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You are the jesus of drinking
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
