my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
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