There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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