Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
