Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
