My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
