Christians are straight up FREAKS
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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