Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
