I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
