yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
