You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I faked an abortion last night.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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