I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
vagina is talking i cant
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Randomize
