Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
