guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
