Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
