I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
