not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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