Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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