you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Randomize
