I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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