my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
