I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
