I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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