Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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