dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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