I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Randomize
