im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
