i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize