I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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