the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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