I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Is it because I queefed?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
