It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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