Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Too much gin, very little bucket
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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