he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
