Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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