he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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