I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
