I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
