I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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