I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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