smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
