we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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