my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
