Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
