Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
