you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
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