I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
