I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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