Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize