You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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